How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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