Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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