When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
