I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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