96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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