Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
