The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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