The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
