I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
