I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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