he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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