tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
