when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
