don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
