I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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