I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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