ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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