I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
