my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
