Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
