boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize