I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
