how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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