Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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