So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize