hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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