hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
