There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
