the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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