would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
COCAINE IS GR8
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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