There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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