be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
