dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
