I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
