Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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