if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You dont lie about slip and slides
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
