She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
