well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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