I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
this is an emotional support booty call
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
