So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Pooping to opera.
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