He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
