I met the friendliest cop last night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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