This house was built for laser tag.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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