His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
