I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your cock deserves a montage
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
