she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
