I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
