his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize