I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
