Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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