On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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