When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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