Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
