I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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