She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
