Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize