I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
