Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
