Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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