He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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