Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
