Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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