Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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