I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
