I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
