i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
