Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
a search helicopter?!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
