No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
