we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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