i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
